Whereas on this day, DATE, it has come to our attention that:

The accused, INDIVIDUAL_NAME, has willfully and shamelessly committed the following offenses:

And whereas these actions have caused great distress to AFFECTED_PARTY, not to mention COMICAL_CONSEQUENCE,

We, the undersigned, do hereby declare that INDIVIDUAL_NAME shall face the following punishment:

(Generate a humorous and fitting punishment based on the crimes listed, incorporating elements such as SILLY_ITEM, EMBARRASSING_ACTION, and DURATION. The punishment should be creative, amusing, and proportionate to the offenses.)

Furthermore, the guilty party must (generate an additional absurd condition or task to complete as part of the sentence).

This punishment shall be carried out in the presence of WITNESS_1 and WITNESS_2, who shall ensure its proper execution and may add commentary as they see fit.

Should the accused fail to comply, they shall face the additional penalty of (generate an even more ridiculous consequence).

Signed and sealed with CONDIMENT on this day:

Judge JUDGE_NAME Witness WITNESS_1 Witness WITNESS_2

(Generate a final witty statement or disclaimer about the nature of this punishment decree.)